Monday, 7 July 2008

8. Funch is a steroid ab-user

Funch liked steroids.
On an average day a quick peek in her handbag and you'd be lucky to find anything else.
She'd been taking them since she was a baby.

Nappy envy isn't the most natural of things, but Funch was particularly good at it.
Walking and crawling around on all fours wearing nothing but pampers left her stomach exposed, and she felt very much lacking.

The only excercise she got was biting her nails and going to the toilet, and it showed.
Her stomach was poorly toned, her bum was big and flabby.
Her thighs wobbled, and her knee caps sagged.
It wasn't good enough.

Dancers didn't have saggy tummies.

Maggie Moo, Dancy-Pants Champion of September 2000, caused a sensation by being the first hip-hop dancer to take the overall trophy. She had a perfect six-pack, and underarm hair to die for.
When she danced babies took notice, and Funch was a baby.

Soon enough Argos were selling hypodermic syringes by the bucket load.

For a long time some of the other babies had been working out, doing sit-ups and bench-pressing. Funch didn't have the energy for it. But she wanted her nappy to stay up. She wanted a flat stomach.
Funch was determined to get her hands on a pack.

The only obstacle that remained was her parents.
But, luckily for Funch, they were both dead.

Soon enough, though, luck turned to horror when her doctor said;
"Without parental permission I can't prescribe you anabolic drugs,
not even Argos can do that!"

This was how she met Blowtwiddle!