Saturday, 31 May 2008

3. Blowtwiddle has a Knob

The cashier at the DIY shop looked at the man in front of her.
The dimple in his chin. The stubble spiraling outwards somewhat hypnotising her.
"Love him. He is the beautiful man, the beautiful beautiful man."
called the trance in her head.
She smiled at the "beautiful beautiful man".
She believed it, he was beautiful.
"Give him his shopping for free."
it said again.

At this point the cashier didn't know what to do. "Beautiful = Freebies" made sense in her head. Most weekends she'd go out to the pub (the Manky Munky), and wouldn't spend a penny, nor buy any drinks. And the only reason this worked was because she was beautiful, and old men love to buy beautiful women drinks.

But she wasn't an old man, and he wasn't a beautiful young woman, and they weren't at the Manky Munky, and he wasn't flashing his breasts.
Something didn't add up.

She decided to scan the item, and let the cash register decide. It had never let her down before.
"Hello sir, that'll be fifteen pounds."
she said aloud, reading the value off the display, hoping it had said "0.00".
This was a disaster, the potential love of her life right in front of her, and he was having to fork out £15 on DIY goods. How could he love her after this?
"Cool"
grunted Blowtwiddle, admiring the tightness of the curls in the cashier's hair.
She looked Persian, classically beautiful, with a superbly proportioned nose that you could only wish she'd try to peck your eyes out with.

He reached into his pocket, his hand diving past bits of snotty tissue, and a strip of used dental floss. Resurfacing with his wallet, he reached forward, ready to pay the lady.

But it was too late.
The cashier, enamoured by his hypnotic stubble, gave him a sexy wink and handed him his goods in a bag.

Blowtwiddle walked out of the shop examining his new "purchase", a shiny brass doorknob.
"Why is that man so ugly?"
a kid asked her mum.

Back in the shop the cashier was crying, mascara dripping onto the screen of her phone, obscuring the photo she'd just taken.